– By Jen McGuire –
I am a single mom of four adult sons. I like my sons, they’re fun and good and sweet. Now they come with partners. This was something I expected when I had little boys and also, I’ll admit to you now, feared. Too many times I saw men drift away from their families and women who had just been “mom” before now turned into something else. The dreaded Mother-in-Law. Like that was a bad thing.
Avoiding The “Mother-in-Law” Trap
I did not want to be one of “those” mothers-in-law, the ones who always seem to be met with eye rolls and irritated tolerance, with frustration and curt phone calls. I wanted, in short, to be cool. And so I came up with a plan. I am taking each of my son’s girlfriends on our own getaways. To remind each other that we can just be two cool gals who like each other without all the extra titles. Which is how I ended up on the pickle ball court at Hilton Head Island in matching tennis skirts with my son’s girlfriend Avery, laughing and working off our breakfast of too many almond croissants and giant coffees. Here is what I learned.
Jennifer and Avery enjoying their beach weekend.
I Made Things Easy For Her
Avery is in her 20s. She is busy with work and friends and loving my son. She does not have loads of time to take off for a big adventure with her boyfriend’s mom. And so I chose a long weekend that worked for her in November. It’s a boring time of year that is just ramping up to being exciting, what with Thanksgiving and Christmas around the corner. I chose Hilton Head Island in South Carolina for several reasons. It was an easy flight for us both. The weather was warmer than our cold November in Canada but still cool enough for us to wear our Coastal Grandma white sweaters and such. And the beaches are nearly abandoned at that time of year, so all of the seashells we found on our beachcombing mornings were ours for the taking.
I Asked For Input
While I wanted to ensure Avery felt known by me when I chose this island, I didn’t want to fall into the parent trap. As in, I plan everything and you do what I say because I’m a mom. And so, I simply asked her what she wanted to do. The hotel was a mutual decision, the Hilton Head Beachfront Resort & Spa, chosen for the incredible views from our balcony, access to the miles and miles of white sand beaches, and (it turned out) super comfortable beds in our room. A boat tour? Nope. A spa afternoon at our hotel getting facials and massages? A hard yes.
Vibe Checking
Heading into a trip with a solid idea of vibes is important, and Avery and I had several chats about what sort of vibe we were going for on this trip. “Coastal chic-meets-Hallmark holiday movie” was our vibe, and we went for it with our outfits and planned activities. Think soft whites and nautical navy, sneakers, easy breezy everything. We found a cute French cafe for our morning croissants, the Hilton Head Social Bakery, even chatting with the very French owner about his passion for patisserie. A passion we both share. Food is key, I guess, because we continued to bond over baskets of fried seafood later at The Quarterdeck at the Sea Pines Sanctuary Resort just in time for Golden Hour photos.
Best of all, we hung out on the beach to catch the annual Hilton Head Island Lantern Parade on the Saturday night, where the beach was lit up with colorful lanterns in the shape of sea animals. If this really was a Hallmark holiday movie, one of us would have fallen in love there, I’m sure of it.
Go Off-Script
While we had grand plans to do some boutique shopping, there was a moment when we both just admitted to ourselves that was not what we wanted. We wanted to try on shoes at Marshalls and buy the good shampoo from Ulta. Oh the power in admitting you just want to be yourself on holiday and stop performing. It’s magnetic.
Don’t Make Everything About Your Son
I really hate the “boy mom” stigma but also get it. I’ve met boy moms. I don’t want to be a boy mom. I want to get to know my sons’ partners as people, not extensions of my sons. And so Avery and I just hung out. We talked about lots of stuff, not just the man we both love.
Take Time Apart
Avery called it “enrichment time” in the mornings. I would grab first coffee and head to the beach. She met me there after a bit of time alone. We chatted about our separate spa treatments over a charcuterie board and champagne in the hotel spa. And it was these pockets of time apart that really made us both feel closer. A respect thing, I think.
Try Something New For You Both
Avery and I took a pickleball lesson together at Palmetto Dunes for two reasons. First, we both brought tennis skirts. Second, we both wanted to learn something together. And just the act of trying something new made us feel off kilter together in the very best of ways.
Get Something That Matches
It’s silly, but Avery and I got matching charm bracelets and sailboat ornaments. Now that we’re home, I can’t look at those without getting emotional.
Get Dressed Up At Least Once
There’s nothing quite like getting ready for a night out with a girlfriend. Getting extra careful about makeup, really thinking about your outfit. All of that “does this look ok? How about this?” conversation that feels like you are winding yourselves tighter and tighter together.
Steak at the River House
Avery and I booked into the River House, a fine old genteel home with sweeping views of the river, for a wine tasting and a fancy steak dinner at the River House in Palmetto Bluffs and we both made an effort. With our outfits, sure, but also pay attention and be present in our surreal surroundings. Dining on just about the most incredible steak I’ve ever tasted as we watched a different perfect sunset. Trying this Barolo and that Merlot in the hallowed, hushed wine cellar of the River House. And finally, settling in for our nightcaps at the Speakeasy on the lower level called Hush, where a hip bartender in suspenders crafted smoky cocktails for us. The kind where you can’t quite put a finger on what makes them extra special but you know it’s something.
When we went home after our long weekend, I felt different. Looser. Less worried about my role in my sons’ lives and what it would mean for our futures. Because I guess we can choose what our own story is going to look like after all.
Jen McGuire is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in Good Housekeeping, Thrillist, Romper, and more. Her first book Nest, a memoir about travel after life raising four sons as a single mom, sold thousands of copies across North America and the UK. She lives in Canada and is always ready to hit the road, alone or with any of her boys if they’ll come along for the ride.